Decisions

I really love people and counseling. Psychology is kinda my life, it's part of me; I live and breathe it. I've noticed that it is a grace from God that have been given to me and I worry about furthering my education in it for a couple big reasons. The first is not so big, but I am concerned that schooling will put me in a category of needing to provide people with high expectations. Because of my degree, people will expect me to know more than I think I can retain and the fear of being wrong and hurting people by being wrong makes me concerned. However knowing that the schooling and not the degree will help me to know more and thus help me to help others. Kinda a stupid worry, but none the less.

The other is a faith-based concern and it may sound like an excuse (to not get the degree) but I don't mean it to be (cuz I really would like to go back to school). I am under the impression that God has called/commissioned me to counsel others (not in a psychiatry or diagnostics psychologist, just someone who helps people get their thoughts straight). I believe that He has already given me this gift and I fear that schooling may "ruin/taint" God's glory by me being more educated by a school. I believe that He calls the weak and uneducated to do mighty things, and those mighty things stand out for His glory more than when we can claim "that we can do it on our own". I don't want to do it on my own. I like how God does it through me. I don't want to mess with that.

So what do I do? Be Moses or Paul? Solomon is a great example of God's glory shining through by the gift that was given. Of course, the 700 wives and 300 concubines with their gods turned his heart away from God in the end, but I think you know what I mean. I've heard from several people that going to a "Christian" college made missions or spreading the Gospel harder because it became over-thought rather than natural.

*But there is the bias that "no educated man can be a Christian" and I'd like to be able to speak to educated people with some form of authority. If I don't get my education, then I won't be able to be paid for the counseling that I provide. I suppose that's one of the biggest questions... Do I want to get paid for the counseling that I provide or do I want it to be a life thing that is who I am regardless of paycheck?

Crap. I keep coming back to that and I honestly can't answer it.

*http://www.bibletruths.net/Archives/BTAR170.htm

If you need a good laugh...

For whatever reason, Logan thought that what I was saying was hilarious. He was so funny that I was laughing so hard that I was crying. :D

Covenant Life Church

At Chris and Megan Walker's church they had their sister church from Honduras visiting and they let the music and worship time. It was one of the most simple, yet beautiful worship times that I've been part of during a Sunday service. Even though I don't speak anymore than ten words of Spanish, the fact that they gave one line of Spanish and then the translation beneath it, allowed for there to be no language barrier. It was such a wonderful glimpse of what Heaven will be like; "O for a 'hundred' tongues to sing". :)

I have an abundance of mixed emotions as I contemplate what happened yesterday. Yesterday feels like four days ago by now and the amount of past struggles with church God unearthed, I could almost write a book (but I'll stick with a blog instead). It makes sense for God to address the struggles now rather than letting the pain get more embedded in my personality like one bad potato in a barrel of a hundred. I am very grateful for His grace in wanting to heal the pain that has occurred in the last 3 years and also for my surprising openness to the Holy Spirit's biddings. I say openness, however, I must admit that it felt thrust upon me but in no way do I regret this.

I have a lot on my emotional/spiritual plate and I hope that I will have the time and heart to focus on dealing with a lot of it. I feel so wounded. I'm needing to re-break bones so they will heal properly and that is obviously painful. I know that my pain makes healing essential for me to grow and move past the hurt. The hurt is my own and only God knows the depths of it and how to mend me. Each person has their own debilitating wounds and no one else can understand completely, but He has given us people who do understand some of what we are going through. I praise Him for His full understanding and for the grace of having others to share it with, walk life with, and cry with.

All to His glory...

Psalm 63:3

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

Brook Fraser

"Shadowfeet"

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that I've never seen
I am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and I have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new

"Desert Song"

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Breath of Life, pt 2

This is a very old video; back when they weren't called Shane & Shane yet. This is on the Psalms cd and Rocks Won't Cry (under Shane Barnard). This is one of my favorite songs that they've ever written and thought that I'd pass it on. It's best to listen while reading the lyrics (below video) cuz it's kinda hard to understand Shane Barnard.

This is called "Breath of God":

A life you cannot define
A purpose that's benign
They need to see and believe
Be lead to the rugged tree

The one on which He cried
Not for His pain but for our debt
The very same tree that He conquered death
It was an unfair deal on the part of Christ
He got my sin I got eternal life

Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Oh, Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Small talk is a better choice..
A way to avoid Your voice
I need to feel the dust on my knees
And lead them to the tree

The one on which He cried
Not for His pain but for our debt
The very same tree that He conquered death
It was an unfair deal on the part of Christ
He got my sin I got eternal life

Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Oh, Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Will you follow me?
Lead them to the tree?
Can't you just believe?
Will you take a knee?
For eternity?
For eternity?

Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Oh, Make me the breath of God
And I'll show them the One
That means the most to me
They'll see the face of love
Be touched by the very One
That died upon the tree

Oh, I'll be the breath of God

Trust

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trust is a funny thing. Though I may feel like I trust God with the unknown, it's more of a default choosing rather than an intentional choice. It's a default because I know that my human nature would want to know and control, but since I can't, I'm sorta forced to trust; which isn't really trusting at all. It's an "I surrender" with my hands in the air, but not on my knees.

I should work on that. I'll add it to the list of 100+ other things I need to work on. :P

French Press

This morning has been relaxing. I'm getting near the end of listening to HP and the DH but I already want to read it again even though I'm not finished with it. I've had two cups of coffee from my newly claimed French press and I've found that it keeps me more energized than the slow brew coffee. I also bought caramel macchiato from International Delight which makes for a splendid cup. Baby boy is trying to nap right now which is the perfect time to blog, write letters, clean, catch up on things.

It's been a hard few months with our financial situation; it's hard to tell if we should short-sale our house, foreclose, or stick with the Realtor. This month is the best opportunity to sell the house in Iowa City and we don't get an offer soon, I'm afraid that we will have to destroy our credit for a few years by dropping the Realtor and going with one of the other bad options. With me not being able to transfer my Best Buy job to MI and Adam making less than half of what he used to make... it's just not possible for us to afford the house that we're not even living in. It feels like such a huge waste of money owning it.

I'm very grateful for Adam's parents who have taken us in and I really love living here; I just don't like feeling like I'm in the way all the time and wishing that I could be helping more but I don't know where that line is. Two hens in one house has proven to be interesting; not bad, just hard to know when to help and when to back off. Also, we are both used to a bit more privacy, being able to have our homes to ourselves and not having to visit with family 24/7. I try to get out of the house from time to time to give them a break from us (and the kid), but it's hard doing that having only one vehicle. At least Adam's on first shift now... that helps. I miss having him here in the morning though, but it's great having him home by 3:30pm.

We are holding onto God and His blessings. We have to trust that He knows what He's doing, but the problem is that I don't really trust myself in knowing what I'm doing. I just have to pray that He'll lead and direct us and hope that my in-laws are blessed with everlasting patience. :) I love them deeply and hope that this living arrangement won't hinder our relationship.

"The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of Him." Francis Chan, Crazy Love

A Fantastic Day

Today started with a 4:30am wake-up by baby boy because he wanted a bottle and then again at 8am. Since it was raining, he went back down to sleep around 9:30am so I got a wonderful 2 hour rest. I laid in bed and listened to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... it was very relaxing; just the break I felt like I needed.

After that nice nap, Logan awoke SUPER happy and smiley. He's been teething the past two days and he hasn't been in the best of moods. For him to wake up so happy was a pleasant surprise and he was incredibly sweet the rest of the day.

Adam got off work early today and home around noon, so we ran some errands and had lunch at Taco Bell. We bought a bunch of veggies so I could make homemade baby food for the kid. Working out the math, I ended up making .32 cents per 6oz. jar; a savings of about $6! Not much, but the peace of mind is in knowing exactly what is in the food.

That's all for now!

Breath of Life

John 20:21-22

²¹So Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you; as the Father has sent Me, I also send you.”

²²And when He had said this, He breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit.

This looks very familiar to me…

Genesis 2:7

⁷Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

Wow… I never noticed the parallel before. Thank you God. Oh how your Spirit is life giving… thank you for the gift

Fantastic Graphic Designer

Hunger

Don't Get Drawn In

Eternal Scream

http://www.toxel.com/inspiration/2009/04/28/photo-manipulations-by-josh-sommers/