Bad day meets good day...

So, I had a terrible start to today...
Starting with a terrible night last night. For those that don't know, I'm sick. Sinus infection all week and not it's progressed to a cold. Coughing for me isn't a good thing, because, again, for those that don't know, I have a vocal chord disorder (VCD) that gets pissy with my when I'm stressing them out. Coughing + VCD = not breathing at times. I kept waking myself up coughing... meaning that my throat was closing while I was sleeping and I was coughing to get air. Oi. Stressful night.

So, thus I had a really off day today. Everything I said today seemed to be taken the wrong way or just plain came out of my mouth the way I didn't intend. So, when I got home from work around 5:30, I just wanted the day to end so I tried sleeping. Being that I was exhausted I thought that it would have been easy. Not so much. After 4 hours of struggling, coughing, having breathing issues, trying to keep myself propped up on pillows, I got a phone call and decided to call sleeping quits.

I talked to K for two hours or so and then my phone died (we would have probably talked for longer). It was good (as always) to talk and laugh and get some details ironed out.
I got online and talked to a friend who is currently struggling and had the opportunity to lift him to God by encouraging him to sing. How neat is that? God rocks my face off. I thought it weird that God was telling me to tell him to sing... but it makes perfect sense. When down... sing praises!
Then I got a chance to talk to an old friend of mine that has been in a rough patch this year with circumstances. She is keeping her head high and calling on God for aid which is a-mazing considering that her husband is in stage 4 of cancer and she has two little ones to wrangle. We haven't talked in awhile, so it was really, really good to hear how things are. We cleared up some past misconceptions, reminisced, laughed, talked about what God is doing in our lives... what a good end to today.


Deuteronomy 32:3&4

Struggles...

Today's devotional was on submission. I was talking with a friend today when I realized how far away from brokenness I am. I feel like I need to be broken, yet it seems so far off. My struggles with stubbornness and pride certainly don't help the matter. I desire meekness and gentleness, yet every time I open my mouth, words of putridness seem to exit. I wish to be a light to those I work with but I don't seem to be doing a very good job with being Christ's hands and feet. Some days are better than others, but mostly I come home feeling defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted... I have a great schedule, co-workers, boss(es), yet I feel like I'm making no impact. How can that be after 40 hours a week?
Where is my submission to God? I desire to choose His way over mine... I hope I do in the moment. Lord, Master, please hold my tongue if it's not words you desire me to speak! Help me to think of my words before they exit my lips. Help me to say and do what your Son would do! But mostly God... please forgive me. I desire change...

Colossians 3:23

Stargirl

So, I'm reading a past-time favorite. I read it 4 years ago and haven't read it again since. I remember it moving me to tears at parts and at other times making me burst into laughter. I rented it from the library on audio, John Ridder is reading it for me, and I listened to a big chunk of it while I was mowing the lawn. I had forgotten how refreshing this sweet little book is. It's nice having it read to me, it's as if I have been transported back to elementary school when the teacher used to read amazing books to us like my favorite: The B.F.G. (Big Friendly Giant).

What is it about children's books that I love so much? I love the innocence, the simple wit, purity of a child's mind, the simplicity of truth and honesty, the picture that the author sketches because to a child-these images are very clear and very detailed, but mostly: the innocence and purity.
I think I will read children's literature until the day I die... I learn so much through them and it helps me remember what it was like before I grew up. I miss those days... before, there was no work, only chores. Before, there was no entertainment, only fun.
I hope to return to this state in Heaven some day... I hope we are all children waiting to sit on our Daddy's lap to read us a story, clinging onto every word. Some day we'll laugh at the silly Israelites.. but for now, we are the Israelites.

If you haven't read Stargirl... you MUST!

Matthew 19:13-15

Man vs. Wild

Premise: Satan has tempted Adam and Eve with the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil... the forbidden tree. Eve eats the fruit after being convinced that it would be good for her and when she doesn't die on the spot, (as promised by God) offers the fruit to her husband, Adam. He eats. Then they both became ashamed of their nakedness and run and hide, making clothes from fig leaves. God knows of their disobedience and sin, calls to them like that of hide and go seek, yet knowing where they hide.

"Where are you?" He calls.
Adam responds: "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

Shame.

Unholy Fear.

The story is told with fingers pointing at anyone but themselves and the snake, Satan gets the full blame. God curses the snake and makes him an enemy to humanity.

This is where we pick up in the story...

Genesis 3:17-19

17 To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'
"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

19 By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return." (Italics-mine)

To think that the TV show, Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls, would not even be possible without sin is a strange thought to me. Things that we find entertaining are the exact result of sin. Survival, hunting, struggling with nature, extreme weather climates, dehydration... these things would not have to be taught if only we had listened.

Genesis 3:8-9 & 15-16:

8 Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9 And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 BUT you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die." (Italics and bold-mine)

The part that really peaks my interest...

Genesis 3:1a:

1 "Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made." (Italics and bold-mine)

Crafty: Conniving. Cunning. Sly. Tricky. Guileful. Deceitful. Murderer.

Satan is subtle most times and twists words into lies in our ears...
Which whispers do you listen to from day to day; moment by moment?
Who is your LORD or Master?
To whom do you serve?

From good... no, very good (Genesis 1:31). To cursed. To sinful. Doomed to death.


How I am glad that the story doesn't end there.


We have the hope of our SAVIOR... One who has rescued ALL, saving us from our much deserved death. The death He promised if we sinned.
I know I have sinned. I know I deserve death. Regardless of the good' I do, without the faith, knowledge, and humility of salvation... all those 'good deeds' are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6) to God. No 'good' is GOOD without Christ Jesus' sacrifice.

Hope in Jesus, the Son of God!!!

Amen?

Cupped Hands

I'm missing something. I can't quite put my finger on it... but there is a bidding for my attention that seems to be just out of grasp. Like that of keeping water in my hands without letting it drip. I am fixed on the whispers... but I cannot make them out.
Have you ever tried listening to what the crickets were saying?
How about the trees?
I have asked them questions before...
Ne'er to hear a reply.

Worlds Apart

I have been listening to this song every day for over a week now... just thought I'd share it with you. Just a little trivia relating to the song: Icarus in classic mythology is "a youth who attempted to escape from Crete with wings of wax and feathers but flew so high that his wings melted from the heat of the sun, and he plunged to his death in the sea." Dictionary.com

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Worlds Apart-Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Hallelujah!

Benjamin, Timmy, Ellie, Jenny, and Shawn

My adorable new nephew, Benjamin (my brother Aaron and sister-in-law Heather's kiddo). He's huge! 6 months... he's gonna a very tall guy. We call him Monkey because of his wonderfully large ears. :) I love 'em.

My sister Tami's two beautiful kids Ellie:

And Timmy:

My brother Adam and his wife Sheila's two kiddos, Jenny:

And Shawn (not normally cross-eyed... he was just having a good day):
I love my family... Mother/Daughter:
SISTERS!

Mark 10:13-16

Apathy

1. Absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
2. Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
3. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
4. Also, ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a: Stoicism- freedom from emotion of any kind.
-Dictionary.com

These definitions kinda surprise me. Especially using the part about "suppression of passion". I am an incredibly passionate person who struggles with apathy. I'm curious how that works. I'm also generally a very happy person-but I tend to still be apathetic. Again... how?
I'm pretty even keel as far as emotions go... I'm not much of a crier and when I do cry, I get it out and over with pretty quickly. I go months without shedding a tear. Then I get to points where I can't cry. I hate that. I feel so exhausted all the time and the need to cry but not having the ability to is equivalent to having insomnia. It hurts not to cry; as though I'm in pain. I'm there right now...
Ug. I don't know what brings me to this state, but it happens too often.
*sigh

2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Finacial Security???

I have a friend who just posted about Ecclesiastes 6:9 and I thought I'd post my response.

"Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless—like chasing the wind." Ecc. 6:9

We had a friend come over the other day and talk to us about our finances and about how we should consider budgeting to save and create a comfortable retirement for ourselves. Adam and I looked at each other and thought the exact same thing.

First of all, we doubt we’ll retire… we both love to work-that’s what God sent us here to do. I think our “work” will drastically change from now and then, but I don’t think the “work” will ever end. (It's possible our thoughts on this might change a bit once we get older, but I doubt it)

Second… paying off the house, being comfortable financially, having a nest egg of cash… none of those things sound appealing to us. It would be too easy to get sucked into the world if we were comfortable. Bills? They will always be… and it’s a good thing. I don’t want to have everything, I don’t want to have anything if it’s not for the glory of God. Being financially smart??? We’re totally on it. We don’t have a lot of debt other than our car and house. We are incredibly careful with credit cards because they’re evil. (any of the "flashy" things we do have were bought with the mind set of hospitality, function, and fellowship-our car, tv, wii, xbox 360, house...)

Keeping our motives and heart in check is our main goal and I’m very grateful that Adam and I are on the same wavelength with spending money and wanting things. We still fight urges and we make spending mistakes, etc. But I love where we are… in smart debt. It puts me in my place. Seeking Heaven and not this world.

Any thoughts?
Where are you in your life financially? Are you comfortably chipping away at debt? Are you drowning in debt? Are you constantly making decisions financially that you wish you hadn't? What does this mean to our lives when we are supposed to be seeking Heaven and not Earth?

Weather and Choices

I am LOVING this 60 degree weather! It's amazing! I'm also glad that Gustav wasn't as bad as what was projected-in being equivalent to Katrina. So, I'm enjoying the pre-autumn weather in the meantime.

Well, I applied for full-time yesterday at BBY. I have an interview next week and I'm excited to talk with people more in depth about my desire for change and growth. So, for now, I'm working 40 hours a week anyway, so it's as if I'm already full-time.
I'm pretty sure that there is a door open here... but I don't know what choice I desire to make. I know that God would work with what ever I choose, so at least I know that there is not really a bad choice.. I just need to make one.
I mostly am in the process of prioritizing my life better than the state in which it is currently. I am adjusting my life to my circumstances rather than choosing the path I need to follow. Does this ever become easier? My life feels like it's in a state of disarray and I never know where to begin in fixing it. It especially feels this way every time the school year begins... I believe that is normal, but I still don't care for it. Ptsch.

For now I wait upon the Lord...
Many things and people am I praying for and His answers are always right and just.

Psalm 5:1-3

Tug-of-War

Today was a really good day. I greatly enjoyed working at Best Buy today and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's shift. I have a really good feeling about how the day is going to go.
We got a new supervisor in the Media Department possibly temporarily but possibly permanent. I get along great with Nick and I'm looking forward to working with him and seeing his leadership skill develop. I hope that things pan out for both Nick and Renee... I know that Renee (my previous Media Sup. who is temporarily trying a new HR position) really enjoys her current job and I desire her to love her work rather than dreading it. Things are looking up!
I'm still going to apply for a couple other jobs and see what (if anything) bites, but I just applied for a full-time position at BBY... so we'll see. I hate my up and down feelings for BBY-it's constantly inconsistent. :) One day I LOVE my job, the next I HATE it and want to quit. Never ending cycle. Bah.
Moving on. One day at a time...

Psalm 73:22-28

Fall Calls for Change...

Tonight is the night I continue this song. This song of a journey that begins with me on my knees and my face to the ground. I submit that I know very little and that my story is nothing compared to that of the story of Christ's.
So, the question being... how does His story shine through me from my day to day meanderings?
I often feel like the little kid who cannot maintain her balance and trips over every little blade of grass that she happens upon. Thus, cracking her teeth on the sidewalk that she didn't even know she was on or near. In translation: I am a screwup.
Thankfully, there is such thing as grace and forgiveness from a God who has paid it all. Thankfully, I am not running this long endurance needing race alone.
I cannot think of anything in particular as to why I am feeling this way right now... nothing drastically pressing on my mind screaming "failure!"... yet I still feel like one. Little failings of not saying what I meant to say, or saying far more than I should have, or not living the day to the fullest.
So, I sit. Waiting to push my pride aside... of course in a state of utter procrastination, to go to God with open arms and tears streaming down my face. Because I am fearful of the change that I don't know if I'm ready for. Change that is beyond my grasp... so instead of moving I become stagnant. Thinking about the woulda coulda's when they won't do me much good of any kind. Dwelling on silly stupid things is a great distraction, placed by the evil one. Does he have nothing better to do than pick on me? I suppose I should be taking it as a compliment that I'd be worth the time distracting.

Oh, how often I hold myself back when God is sitting there waiting for me to climb into His lap with His warm arms wrapping around me, whispering... "I'm here. What is it my beloved daughter? Why are you crying?"
I want to choose change...
I need to choose change...

1 Corinthians 10:13
Psalm 27:4
Philippians 3:13-14