Ok, so this whole surrender thing comes with honesty and humility. I struggle with honesty in being something that I can be too honest at times. When people ask how I am, I can't lie, I tend to lay it out there and I can tell by people's shifty eyes that they would just wish for me to say "fine, how about you?". They want me to get the intro over with so they can ask me a question about why I'm in Grand Rapids again or how my son is doing, but not too many people really care about the deeper level stuff... which is where I camp. I'm all about honesty and being real with people because time is short and we need to walk life with people that are living their lives and not living lies. I don't want to be the person that projects an "I'm ok all the time" attitude, not just because it would be a lie, but because I can't live up to that kind of pressure. I'm not ok all the time, actually, often I feel miserable on the inside and I'm trying to talk myself into a good reason to get out of bed. Oh right, I'm a Mom, and if I want my child to stop crying, I need to get up but more than that; a deeper reason that drives me.
The other big "h" word, humility. So, have you ever been in that place where someone compliments you on a gift you have, may it be music, or wisdom, or whatever, and you give the glory to God in the moment, yet you secretly take a little glory for yourself? Yeah, that's me. I am a secret glory stealer and I've decided that I don't like it. I've decided that If I really want to be here and serving God with all my heart, I need to let Him be my strength and be my words or talents so I have nothing to claim for myself. In short, I currently suck at humility but have decided that I'm going to quit feeling guilty for it and just change it. Period.
The biggest realization that I had today was how much I've let fear cripple me my whole life. I never really finished my degree because I thought I couldn't do it, because I thought I'd never use it to be able to pay off the loans, because I thought a thousand lies and have believed most of them. I don't believe that my words are good enough to advise people or to have good enough ears to hear peoples troubles. Guess what? I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to let God be my words and ears and I have decided that I don't want to be a captive of my fear because Satan is winning if I do that (or don't do that).
So, I choose to let it all go and hold on, by trusting that God will fill the gaps and be what I can't be. I can't keep my life on hold because I've made myself believe lies when God is more than willing to work with what little I have in qualifications so that He can make up the rest. His glory will shine through if I surrender. I need to do what I think I can't do, so He can be the one that is being honored. I've settled for less because it's comfortable and I should know better than that. But in all honesty, I have also put my dreams on hold because of my husband's dreams and I thought that we couldn't pursue both our dreams at the same time (another lie, by the way).
Next steps... I'm going to go back to school, finish my degree, and help people by letting God use me in the capacity that He has most evidently made me for. I will not hold back because of fear; fear cripples me so that I can't do what God wants me to and I refuse to do it any longer. I stand firm on God's promises by/with His strength and will start to listen more closely for His direction.
Anyone else with me???
I hardly know you, yet I believe you can do ANYTHING. You've got that special somethin', Holly. Daugther of God who has all resources, let your holy Dad be and provide all good things for you.
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