I'm reading "Bittersweet" right now by Shauna Niequist and I have to admit that it is stirring my heart. I think the Holy Spirit has been trying to tell me something about the fear and lies in my life. Urg. I know He's trying to tell me something because my heart is kinda fighting, making excuses, and being somewhat defensive.
The message I heard yesterday from the preacher at church was talking about knowing the truth in the Bible and holding onto it to combat the lies in our lives. He also talked about how we should have more faith like Mary, saying "May it be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38).
On top of these things I feel like I'm doing good things by spending time with friends and family here and taking care of Logan, but I don't feel like we're doing what we're supposed to be doing. We're not doing the best that we could be doing. I also feel like our previous church situation has shaken us deep to our core and we're afraid to get wet again. Joining church families are messy because it's family. It's not work, it's not a business, it's ministry and working with family, not co-workers or business partners. So, when you get laid off or fired by family or even quit working with family, it aches in a different part of the heart. There needs to be a time of grieving and mourning, but there also needs to be a time where you get back in the water and begin to swim again.
I know that Adam needs time to heal before we jump into another ministry together, but I'm the one that wants the plan of attack and to get back in before we let fear overrun us. I don't want our own demons to hold us back from things that could be better for us if we would just open our hands to where God is leading us. Or even open ourselves up to have Him show us what He's trying to teach us!
I don't want to be praying to God that He would change things from what they are, or that I need Him to rescue us from this place where we're at... I want Him to restore us and to be available to learn what blessings He's giving us while we're in "the valley". I don't want to miss out on this important time where God is showing us that He wants us to want Him and to rely on ONLY Him.
He took away Adam's job, the best friend I've ever known (in proximity, not by death), a lot of our stuff was stolen from our storage unit, our house finally sold but for 15k less than we needed it to, Adam's current job is only getting us by on poverty level and just enough to pay for our car loan and not for much else. I see this as a series of unfortunate events, but I also see it as God clearly trying to show Himself to us. I see that He wants us to lean on Him and to trust in His divine plan that He only wants the best for us and He wants to proper us and not harm us, and that everything is for His glory no matter what happens in this life.
I want to be a testimony, a witness to others that even though we are obviously struggling, we're not struggling against God but instead trusting Him and what He's doing in our lives. If He sees fit to strip us of things in our lives like He did Job (minus all the deaths), there is something He is teaching us and we need to open our eyes to see it. There are millions of people that are struggling due the economy changes but I don't want it to pull me under, I need to see hope and the good in what is happening.
And the days where I'm stuck at home and I don't feel like I'm contributing to the world because we only have one car and we have our beautiful son in our lives, (he complicates things in our lives right now but I wouldn't change a thing) I still need this truth and hope more than ever. I need to keep moving forward rather than letting the lies and fear paralyze me because that's exactly what Satan wants of us. If we stop moving, then we aren't stopping him from completing evil tasks. I want to be productive, so I put my foot down to the depression that has overtaken America. I choose to let God be strong in me and for me to submit to His leading.
That's where I stand. That's what God's teaching me right now...
Philippians 4:13
I can live without...
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