The Big "BUT..."

It's been a roller coaster month, let me tell you...
December 22nd, Adam and I found out that I was pregnant! BUT Sunday of this week, I started bleeding and by Wednesday I had miscarried. I spent 5 hours in the ER (with Adam of course) for tests, exams, and to get re-hydrated. It was a very long day. Thankfully I had small group time in the evening so I could share what had happened and talk about it right away.

I am ok. Really. At least for right now. I don't think it'll be too hard later, but I really can't know what is to come. So I am really just holding onto the truths that I know in the Bible... Those things are keeping me quite strong.
I cried really hard yesterday morning when it happened (I don't think that Adam has ever seen me cry that hard) after the doctor told me that I needed to go to the ER to make sure I didn't lose too much blood or that there weren't any complications. At that point I had lost it because it became real that I had lost the baby and that I needed to make a next step that I wasn't ready to make. I pretty much forced myself to go to the ER immediately so my stubbornness or justifications wouldn't settle in. I'm glad I did. I miscarried close to 8:30am and by 11am I was making jokes, laughing, and doing the best I could to be me again.
I just want things to go back to "normal" as quickly as possible. I don't want to stuff it or push it away... I'd just like to deal with it once rather than time and time and time again. Some days, of course, will be harder than others and I expect that.

I take confidence in the truth that God is good and even God can turn what is evil into good and I know that however feeble my understanding can be, I know He is strong in my weakness. What better time to share His love with others eh?
I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it... it just makes it harder to move on. I know y'all understand that. Death is death no matter the form and it takes grieving regardless of the circumstances.
I take hope in God and that nothing can separate us. Like I said, He is good.

So, all in all. I think I'm ok. I'm not an overly emotional person to begin with, so I dealt with it the only way I really know how. I can actually go back and pin-point the stages of grief over that short period of time. No, I don't think that I'm done dealing with this... but I firmly choose to see this as a joyful thing. God is already doing so much with my heart in this. I am so blessed by His mercy and grace. No doubt. In the very least, I am incredibly amazed by his mercy in allowing this to happen while I was only a month pregnant rather than farther along.

Adam was very much exhausted yesterday and quite emotionally "spent". But today he says that he's doing a lot better because I'm doing better. He doesn't like to see me hurting--what a good husband. :)

Thank you so much for all of your love and concern. Your prayers are SO appreciated.

Please feel free to ask questions. I am more than willing to answer them.

Love and peace to you...