Surprise

(just some thoughts I wanted to get down)

Growing up, I've never had an easy time fitting in with the girls. I was always riding my bike around the neighborhood or putting on army camouflage and crawling through the fields with my guys friends or even just by myself... pretending. I've never been one to play with dolls or dress-up, which always really frustrated my older sister, Tami. If she could convince me to play Barbies with her, I insisted on only playing with the boy dolls while she could play with the girl dolls. There is a picture of me potty-training a doll that is still hanging in my parents hallway (along with many other family pictures) but I played with G.I. Joes and Legos far more often than any other toys.

Needless to say, I grew up a "tom-boy" and I didn't seem to care much whether that was weird or different. I've always been my-own-me and have never given much notice to what everyone else is doing. I wore painted pants and flannel through my sophomore, junior, and senior year of high school because art was way more important to me than what I looked like. It was way more convenient to wear cruddy clothes to school since most of my classes were art or theater which would require me to change clothes... and I was far to lazy to dress and re-dress. I don't wear painted pants anymore (sadly, mostly to do with me not being as active in art) but I hardly wear anything besides sweatpants and a T-shirt (I totally qualify for the show "What Not To Wear").

As a 25 year old woman, I am surprised to find myself craving to have a daughter. I have a dream of being able to have this great relationship with her and be able to talk about anything and everything. I'm surprised because while pregnant with Logan, I felt strongly that it was a boy and I told people that "God wouldn't give me a girl, I wouldn't know what to do with her!" Yet, I have this craving.

I am blessed to have some amazing women in my life that have teenage daughters and they have the most beautiful relationships with them and I can't help but desire that for myself. I have worked with Jr. High girls for quite a few years and I have loved our years together.

I have fear that if Adam and I try for another kiddo that we will have another high maintenance child and I just don't think we have the patience for another. However, I know that God would provide what is best for us regardless of what we think, but I'm also afraid that if we do have a more easy-going kid, that we would have some favoritism to this child. Normal yet pointless fears, but they do weigh heavily in our decision (of whether or not) to have another kid.

There's no rush of course, but still a big decision. :)

Nearsightedness can be good

I don't know if anyone even reads this/follows this, but I hope that there are a few that make it worth the late night babbling.

I've decided that I need to be more nearsighted. That is an ironic statement because I am very nearsighted as far as eyesight goes, but as far as life goals... I have none, really. I know that as often as I help others to become more moment-to-moment kind of people, I also know how much I need to be reminded of that too (OFTEN). I miss the precious times when I could be rolling on the floor with Logan because I'm checking Facebook or trying to look up a book on Amazon.com. Ugh. For shame.

I know that it comes to lack of interest, creativity, lots of exhaustion (about so many things right now), boredom, blahblahblah... It comes down to excuses. I've been better the past few days and I want to keep striving for that daily goal. So what if I'm tired, I'll be tired for the next ten years, so I need to get things together and start doing rather than complaining (mostly in my heart, but certainly not all).

I've decided to get over it. This is obviously a logical decision because my emotional decision would leave me still sitting on the couch. I'm also going to start exercising again because I know that my lack of energy has a lot to do with being so out of shape and not getting enough sleep (those two snowball each other).

Did you need this reminder? Do you need to be more nearsighted so life will be better in the long run?

The Power of Fear

Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.
Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

- The War of Art, Steven Pressfield

Things my son loves...

A new love for "Go, Diego, Go!"

Serious love for Pedialyte and juice.

FROGS!

His spoon or things that make noise when his hits with it. Things like his toothbrush, slide-whistle, his hand on your face... you know. :)

Of course he loves his Mommy. :)

But the thing Logan loves, above everything else in the world, is....

His pacifier.

There is serious love there. :)

Strength and Happiness

Strength isn't what we think it is... Strength is not pushing people away so you don't hurt anyone or let yourself get hurt or by being "tough". Independence doesn't mean that you don't need people in your life. I believe that true happiness comes from being truly vulnerable and being loved all the same. I suppose it's rare to find such people with enough grace to love you just the same, but that's why Jesus is so important. He has so much grace that no matter what we do He'll keep loving us. When people here on Earth love, give grace, and acceptance with no strings attached, with unfaltering love, they are being like Jesus and thus bringing a piece of Heaven here to Earth.

With grace, you can't pick and choose who gets it, because then none of us would get it. We are all undeserving. Who are we to say that some people deserve our prayers and some don't? Because we all make mistakes in this world otherwise none of us would need prayers at all. This world is a broken place; let's not add to the brokenness.

Love. Really love. And look to Jesus for an example.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

Galatians 2:20-21

Starting to let go by holding on...

Surrender. Oooooo.... lots to that word.

Ok, so this whole surrender thing comes with honesty and humility. I struggle with honesty in being something that I can be too honest at times. When people ask how I am, I can't lie, I tend to lay it out there and I can tell by people's shifty eyes that they would just wish for me to say "fine, how about you?". They want me to get the intro over with so they can ask me a question about why I'm in Grand Rapids again or how my son is doing, but not too many people really care about the deeper level stuff... which is where I camp. I'm all about honesty and being real with people because time is short and we need to walk life with people that are living their lives and not living lies. I don't want to be the person that projects an "I'm ok all the time" attitude, not just because it would be a lie, but because I can't live up to that kind of pressure. I'm not ok all the time, actually, often I feel miserable on the inside and I'm trying to talk myself into a good reason to get out of bed. Oh right, I'm a Mom, and if I want my child to stop crying, I need to get up but more than that; a deeper reason that drives me.

The other big "h" word, humility. So, have you ever been in that place where someone compliments you on a gift you have, may it be music, or wisdom, or whatever, and you give the glory to God in the moment, yet you secretly take a little glory for yourself? Yeah, that's me. I am a secret glory stealer and I've decided that I don't like it. I've decided that If I really want to be here and serving God with all my heart, I need to let Him be my strength and be my words or talents so I have nothing to claim for myself. In short, I currently suck at humility but have decided that I'm going to quit feeling guilty for it and just change it. Period.

The biggest realization that I had today was how much I've let fear cripple me my whole life. I never really finished my degree because I thought I couldn't do it, because I thought I'd never use it to be able to pay off the loans, because I thought a thousand lies and have believed most of them. I don't believe that my words are good enough to advise people or to have good enough ears to hear peoples troubles. Guess what? I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to let God be my words and ears and I have decided that I don't want to be a captive of my fear because Satan is winning if I do that (or don't do that).

So, I choose to let it all go and hold on, by trusting that God will fill the gaps and be what I can't be. I can't keep my life on hold because I've made myself believe lies when God is more than willing to work with what little I have in qualifications so that He can make up the rest. His glory will shine through if I surrender. I need to do what I think I can't do, so He can be the one that is being honored. I've settled for less because it's comfortable and I should know better than that. But in all honesty, I have also put my dreams on hold because of my husband's dreams and I thought that we couldn't pursue both our dreams at the same time (another lie, by the way).

Next steps... I'm going to go back to school, finish my degree, and help people by letting God use me in the capacity that He has most evidently made me for. I will not hold back because of fear; fear cripples me so that I can't do what God wants me to and I refuse to do it any longer. I stand firm on God's promises by/with His strength and will start to listen more closely for His direction.

Anyone else with me???

Bittersweet and Lies

I'm reading "Bittersweet" right now by Shauna Niequist and I have to admit that it is stirring my heart. I think the Holy Spirit has been trying to tell me something about the fear and lies in my life. Urg. I know He's trying to tell me something because my heart is kinda fighting, making excuses, and being somewhat defensive.

The message I heard yesterday from the preacher at church was talking about knowing the truth in the Bible and holding onto it to combat the lies in our lives. He also talked about how we should have more faith like Mary, saying "May it be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38).

On top of these things I feel like I'm doing good things by spending time with friends and family here and taking care of Logan, but I don't feel like we're doing what we're supposed to be doing. We're not doing the best that we could be doing. I also feel like our previous church situation has shaken us deep to our core and we're afraid to get wet again. Joining church families are messy because it's family. It's not work, it's not a business, it's ministry and working with family, not co-workers or business partners. So, when you get laid off or fired by family or even quit working with family, it aches in a different part of the heart. There needs to be a time of grieving and mourning, but there also needs to be a time where you get back in the water and begin to swim again.

I know that Adam needs time to heal before we jump into another ministry together, but I'm the one that wants the plan of attack and to get back in before we let fear overrun us. I don't want our own demons to hold us back from things that could be better for us if we would just open our hands to where God is leading us. Or even open ourselves up to have Him show us what He's trying to teach us!

I don't want to be praying to God that He would change things from what they are, or that I need Him to rescue us from this place where we're at... I want Him to restore us and to be available to learn what blessings He's giving us while we're in "the valley". I don't want to miss out on this important time where God is showing us that He wants us to want Him and to rely on ONLY Him.

He took away Adam's job, the best friend I've ever known (in proximity, not by death), a lot of our stuff was stolen from our storage unit, our house finally sold but for 15k less than we needed it to, Adam's current job is only getting us by on poverty level and just enough to pay for our car loan and not for much else. I see this as a series of unfortunate events, but I also see it as God clearly trying to show Himself to us. I see that He wants us to lean on Him and to trust in His divine plan that He only wants the best for us and He wants to proper us and not harm us, and that everything is for His glory no matter what happens in this life.

I want to be a testimony, a witness to others that even though we are obviously struggling, we're not struggling against God but instead trusting Him and what He's doing in our lives. If He sees fit to strip us of things in our lives like He did Job (minus all the deaths), there is something He is teaching us and we need to open our eyes to see it. There are millions of people that are struggling due the economy changes but I don't want it to pull me under, I need to see hope and the good in what is happening.

And the days where I'm stuck at home and I don't feel like I'm contributing to the world because we only have one car and we have our beautiful son in our lives, (he complicates things in our lives right now but I wouldn't change a thing) I still need this truth and hope more than ever. I need to keep moving forward rather than letting the lies and fear paralyze me because that's exactly what Satan wants of us. If we stop moving, then we aren't stopping him from completing evil tasks. I want to be productive, so I put my foot down to the depression that has overtaken America. I choose to let God be strong in me and for me to submit to His leading.

That's where I stand. That's what God's teaching me right now...

Philippians 4:13

I can live without...