I've decided that seeking one's own heart is a really stinkin' hard thing to do.
I confuse myself with my own thoughts and just when I think that I've figured out my own opinion or feelings, they suddenly change. I have to admit that being a woman is sometimes really annoying.
I wish that I could go into scripture and find out opinions/feelings of who I am and what my true motives are. That would make things so much easier wouldn't it? Instead, all I can really do, is tell God the things that I am hearing/believing and ask Him to tell me if they are true or not. If I dare... I'll ask it. Because when I do, I need to be ready for His answer...
Would you dare???
Philippians 1:19
"...for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Joy, joy, joy, joy...
I can't even begin to express my joy for the season of life that I'm in and that I get to share that same season with my best girl friend. We are both in the same place of grieving, it's just for different things: mine is the recent loss of the little one, and her's is an emotional/spiritual death. In order for there to be room in her heart for the growth of life, death needs to come first... death to self, death to the old ways.
So, we are both so overcome with joy because our Creator is loving us so intimately through this... He is pursuing us to the depths of our beings. His timing for these things never cease to amaze me and at times leave me sitting on the floor.
I lay prostrate at Your feet, unwilling to be anywhere else.
Praise be to GOD!
Genesis 3:20-21
So, we are both so overcome with joy because our Creator is loving us so intimately through this... He is pursuing us to the depths of our beings. His timing for these things never cease to amaze me and at times leave me sitting on the floor.
I lay prostrate at Your feet, unwilling to be anywhere else.
Praise be to GOD!
Genesis 3:20-21
Thursday, January 08, 2009
The Big "BUT..."
It's been a roller coaster month, let me tell you...
December 22nd, Adam and I found out that I was pregnant! BUT Sunday of this week, I started bleeding and by Wednesday I had miscarried. I spent 5 hours in the ER (with Adam of course) for tests, exams, and to get re-hydrated. It was a very long day. Thankfully I had small group time in the evening so I could share what had happened and talk about it right away.
I am ok. Really. At least for right now. I don't think it'll be too hard later, but I really can't know what is to come. So I am really just holding onto the truths that I know in the Bible... Those things are keeping me quite strong.
I cried really hard yesterday morning when it happened (I don't think that Adam has ever seen me cry that hard) after the doctor told me that I needed to go to the ER to make sure I didn't lose too much blood or that there weren't any complications. At that point I had lost it because it became real that I had lost the baby and that I needed to make a next step that I wasn't ready to make. I pretty much forced myself to go to the ER immediately so my stubbornness or justifications wouldn't settle in. I'm glad I did. I miscarried close to 8:30am and by 11am I was making jokes, laughing, and doing the best I could to be me again.
I just want things to go back to "normal" as quickly as possible. I don't want to stuff it or push it away... I'd just like to deal with it once rather than time and time and time again. Some days, of course, will be harder than others and I expect that.
I take confidence in the truth that God is good and even God can turn what is evil into good and I know that however feeble my understanding can be, I know He is strong in my weakness. What better time to share His love with others eh?
I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it... it just makes it harder to move on. I know y'all understand that. Death is death no matter the form and it takes grieving regardless of the circumstances.
I take hope in God and that nothing can separate us. Like I said, He is good.
So, all in all. I think I'm ok. I'm not an overly emotional person to begin with, so I dealt with it the only way I really know how. I can actually go back and pin-point the stages of grief over that short period of time. No, I don't think that I'm done dealing with this... but I firmly choose to see this as a joyful thing. God is already doing so much with my heart in this. I am so blessed by His mercy and grace. No doubt. In the very least, I am incredibly amazed by his mercy in allowing this to happen while I was only a month pregnant rather than farther along.
Adam was very much exhausted yesterday and quite emotionally "spent". But today he says that he's doing a lot better because I'm doing better. He doesn't like to see me hurting--what a good husband. :)
Thank you so much for all of your love and concern. Your prayers are SO appreciated.
Please feel free to ask questions. I am more than willing to answer them.
Love and peace to you...
December 22nd, Adam and I found out that I was pregnant! BUT Sunday of this week, I started bleeding and by Wednesday I had miscarried. I spent 5 hours in the ER (with Adam of course) for tests, exams, and to get re-hydrated. It was a very long day. Thankfully I had small group time in the evening so I could share what had happened and talk about it right away.
I am ok. Really. At least for right now. I don't think it'll be too hard later, but I really can't know what is to come. So I am really just holding onto the truths that I know in the Bible... Those things are keeping me quite strong.
I cried really hard yesterday morning when it happened (I don't think that Adam has ever seen me cry that hard) after the doctor told me that I needed to go to the ER to make sure I didn't lose too much blood or that there weren't any complications. At that point I had lost it because it became real that I had lost the baby and that I needed to make a next step that I wasn't ready to make. I pretty much forced myself to go to the ER immediately so my stubbornness or justifications wouldn't settle in. I'm glad I did. I miscarried close to 8:30am and by 11am I was making jokes, laughing, and doing the best I could to be me again.
I just want things to go back to "normal" as quickly as possible. I don't want to stuff it or push it away... I'd just like to deal with it once rather than time and time and time again. Some days, of course, will be harder than others and I expect that.
I take confidence in the truth that God is good and even God can turn what is evil into good and I know that however feeble my understanding can be, I know He is strong in my weakness. What better time to share His love with others eh?
I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it... it just makes it harder to move on. I know y'all understand that. Death is death no matter the form and it takes grieving regardless of the circumstances.
I take hope in God and that nothing can separate us. Like I said, He is good.
So, all in all. I think I'm ok. I'm not an overly emotional person to begin with, so I dealt with it the only way I really know how. I can actually go back and pin-point the stages of grief over that short period of time. No, I don't think that I'm done dealing with this... but I firmly choose to see this as a joyful thing. God is already doing so much with my heart in this. I am so blessed by His mercy and grace. No doubt. In the very least, I am incredibly amazed by his mercy in allowing this to happen while I was only a month pregnant rather than farther along.
Adam was very much exhausted yesterday and quite emotionally "spent". But today he says that he's doing a lot better because I'm doing better. He doesn't like to see me hurting--what a good husband. :)
Thank you so much for all of your love and concern. Your prayers are SO appreciated.
Please feel free to ask questions. I am more than willing to answer them.
Love and peace to you...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Nothing at all...
So, this past week has been wonderfully empty. Not completely true in the fact that I worked some days (others I did/could not) and was also at the church doing music stuff Wednesday and Sunday. But otherwise, I have done practically nothing but eating, sleeping, and spending time with my boy. But mostly sleeping. :)
For whatever reason, I am currently watching CMT (country music channel) and my ears are starting to hurt... so, off it goes. I enjoy country music in the right context with the right band/vocalists... this particular show just isn't doing it for me.
Just finished reading Matilda. Loved it. I've never read it before. Roald Dahl is certainly one of my favorite children authors mainly for my favorite book The B.F.G. (Big Friendly Giant). I didn't picture Matilda to be what it was based on the few snips of movie clips I saw--the book was brilliant. Very sweet and honest.
I have now (finally) picked up The Be With Factor-mentoring students in everyday life by Bo Boshers & Judson Poling. So far I'm liking it. It's based on the verse Mark 3:14: "He appointed twelve—designating them apostles—that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach". Sounds right up my alley. I believe that the best way to teach someone is to walk with them. And you'll likely find that they'll teach you too. Community is where it's at. REAL community. The kind where people know about the aches, pains, passions, loves, hates, dos, don'ts, ups, downs, and side to sides. What's the point of living in this world alone, never feeling understood or cared about? That's just lame... and plain laziness of those around us. There needs to be serious effort made here.
So, on this new step of faith-down this path and through this journey... I am hopeing to embrace the things that come.
May you be blessed this week. In this blessing, I pray that you see Jesus differently and meet with Him in a unique way.
Love.
Mark 3:14
For whatever reason, I am currently watching CMT (country music channel) and my ears are starting to hurt... so, off it goes. I enjoy country music in the right context with the right band/vocalists... this particular show just isn't doing it for me.
Just finished reading Matilda. Loved it. I've never read it before. Roald Dahl is certainly one of my favorite children authors mainly for my favorite book The B.F.G. (Big Friendly Giant). I didn't picture Matilda to be what it was based on the few snips of movie clips I saw--the book was brilliant. Very sweet and honest.
I have now (finally) picked up The Be With Factor-mentoring students in everyday life by Bo Boshers & Judson Poling. So far I'm liking it. It's based on the verse Mark 3:14: "He appointed twelve—designating them apostles—that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach". Sounds right up my alley. I believe that the best way to teach someone is to walk with them. And you'll likely find that they'll teach you too. Community is where it's at. REAL community. The kind where people know about the aches, pains, passions, loves, hates, dos, don'ts, ups, downs, and side to sides. What's the point of living in this world alone, never feeling understood or cared about? That's just lame... and plain laziness of those around us. There needs to be serious effort made here.
So, on this new step of faith-down this path and through this journey... I am hopeing to embrace the things that come.
May you be blessed this week. In this blessing, I pray that you see Jesus differently and meet with Him in a unique way.
Love.
Mark 3:14
Monday, December 22, 2008
Born To Die
When the babe was born.
In a manger on the hay.
God saw a veil torn.
He saw Good Friday.
He was born to die.
Gold laid before the Christ.
Incense, His presence is sweet.
Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting.
He was born to die.
It came in a dream.
To Joseph late on night.
That Herod sought the King.
But could not take His life.
He was born to die.
He said, "You won't take my life.
You won't take my life.
You won't take my life...
I lay it down."
We came here today
to celebrate His birth.
But let us not forget
why Jesus came to earth.
He was born to die.
By Shane & Shane
Matthew 1:18-25; Matthew 26:36-28:20
In a manger on the hay.
God saw a veil torn.
He saw Good Friday.
He was born to die.
Gold laid before the Christ.
Incense, His presence is sweet.
Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting.
He was born to die.
It came in a dream.
To Joseph late on night.
That Herod sought the King.
But could not take His life.
He was born to die.
He said, "You won't take my life.
You won't take my life.
You won't take my life...
I lay it down."
We came here today
to celebrate His birth.
But let us not forget
why Jesus came to earth.
He was born to die.
By Shane & Shane
Matthew 1:18-25; Matthew 26:36-28:20
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
Ode to Abi
I went to a dear friend of mine's wedding this weekend and these were the things I thought in reminiscing our friendship:
We grew up together in church until her family decided it was time to switch churches (we had a lot of problems in our old church). When she was a junior in high school, we re-met through our mutual friend Sadie, however, I didn't know that it was her. I went to church at Ada Bible as normal (I ended up switching churches too when I turned 17 or 18) with Sadie and saw that Abi went to Ada Bible too! I saw her parents and remembered them immediately and it dawned on me that Abi was Abigail that I used to chase around in the gym playing tag. It overwhelmed me with joy that I got to see my little friend again, but all grown up!
We were pretty instant friends. I, as usual, was a very intense friend who desired to get to know Abi as well as I possibly could-and I'm sure I almost scared her away. :) I have a tendency to be overly-passionate. She stuck with me and we became best friends... inseparable. We led a girls jr. high small group together for 2 years and stayed at each other's houses most nights. In college we took some classes together and grew close to each other's families... adopted/honorary children in each.
We took walks together.
Art together.
Sang songs together.
Served in ministry together.
Loved God together.
Did everything together...
Abi, I thank you for those few years where you were my best friend. Time, circumstances, and mistakes caused us to grow apart, but I will always remember those years as some of the best years (growing, loving, learning years) in my life. You are a truly beautiful woman and I wish the best for you and A.J. in your marriage. May God smile upon the things you do, the sweetness in your hearts, and the people you become. And thank you for the invitation to be part of the community that you consider to be closest to... it was an honor my friend.
1 Samuel 20:42
We grew up together in church until her family decided it was time to switch churches (we had a lot of problems in our old church). When she was a junior in high school, we re-met through our mutual friend Sadie, however, I didn't know that it was her. I went to church at Ada Bible as normal (I ended up switching churches too when I turned 17 or 18) with Sadie and saw that Abi went to Ada Bible too! I saw her parents and remembered them immediately and it dawned on me that Abi was Abigail that I used to chase around in the gym playing tag. It overwhelmed me with joy that I got to see my little friend again, but all grown up!
We were pretty instant friends. I, as usual, was a very intense friend who desired to get to know Abi as well as I possibly could-and I'm sure I almost scared her away. :) I have a tendency to be overly-passionate. She stuck with me and we became best friends... inseparable. We led a girls jr. high small group together for 2 years and stayed at each other's houses most nights. In college we took some classes together and grew close to each other's families... adopted/honorary children in each.
We took walks together.
Art together.
Sang songs together.
Served in ministry together.
Loved God together.
Did everything together...
Abi, I thank you for those few years where you were my best friend. Time, circumstances, and mistakes caused us to grow apart, but I will always remember those years as some of the best years (growing, loving, learning years) in my life. You are a truly beautiful woman and I wish the best for you and A.J. in your marriage. May God smile upon the things you do, the sweetness in your hearts, and the people you become. And thank you for the invitation to be part of the community that you consider to be closest to... it was an honor my friend.
1 Samuel 20:42
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